Video Games Might Ruin My Life

Grammarly have been chasing me for years. I once installed their application and it crashed my web browser so I had to uninstall it. Ever since I have had advert after advert forced into my life by them.

This week has been turbulent and lonely. I am drained, done, had enough. I can’t even post a picture of myself here because I got into a fight a couple of nights ago so my face is busted up a little and you don’t want to see that..

A bloke who I didn’t know, but who I subsequently named “Coward Shit-Head”, hit a woman (who I also didn’t know) in the face. So I steamed in and took a hammering. At least she didn’t get hit anymore.

Yes, I am done, beaten and so, Grammarly, you win. I have installed your fucking application. After all these years of hunting me down, you win because I don’t have the willpower to fight you anymore.

(Thanks for telling me that my use of the word advert is incorrect Grammarly. I’ve left it in anyway so fuck you.)

The few wounds I have from my encounter with Coward hurt nowhere near as much as the mental ones I have acquired during this week.

When I am mentally in this state something really bad happens. I turn to video games. Video games give me two things: control and distraction from the real world. The two things I need the most right now.

Control because I have none at the moment. Every time I come up with a plan something destroys it. Each time I think I am sorted something slaps me down.

Distraction because I cannot handle being in this world right now. The arguments I have had with family (I will say no more) have left me sad, desperately lonely and not wanting to be here. If you have anxiety, you know what I mean.

Right now, the most dangerous thing is taking over. This will ruin my life if I let it control me.

My desire to play an RPG.

I don’t mess around when it comes to RPGs. Thousands of hours disappear. It’s why Black Desert is in the Freezer but I could sit and play that game all week without looking up.

I would happily spend every penny I had on in-game items and create a food regime that impacted my playing as little as possible. Sleep would be on my keyboard. Personal hygiene wouldn’t exist.

I would speak to no-one in the real world, I would help no-one in the real world and I would destroy any ability to earn money in the real world.

I would be happy.

I am honestly toying with the idea of limiting my self-destruction by playing Red Dead Redemption 2 which I guess will only take 100 hours of my time. I know that is futile though, already, just ten words later, I’m thinking of Elite Dangerous or maybe Star Citizen.

Video games are where I go, they always have been. For some it’s beer, for others it’s drugs or exercise or reading or golf or tennis or running or fighting but I go to virtual worlds.

Right now I fear I would never come back.

Do you know what I just thought of? Better Than Life, a fictional game maybe but perfect for me right now.

I’d love to end this article by telling you how I stop myself and turn it all around.

But that hasn’t happened yet.

Leeram.